As I find myself yet again needing a complete reset in many areas of my life (in this case I am referring to the people in my life) I am feeling delicate and in need of solitude. Despite me knowing life is a continuous series of resets, filled with continuous lessons, I still struggle with the feelings of loss and disappointment when I have to go through the process of letting go of people and ideas of what we could have been, had or achieved together. I am completely aware that is my attachment to an idea or an expectation of what I would like to happen and therefore, no one else’s fault when I am disappointed and hurt. However, I still struggle to let go sometimes but can now observe it consciously and honestly.
One of my a qualities and in this case my trickiest life issue, is my open, loving and optimistic heart. I tend to be overly giving, overly loving, overly supportive and feel I need to help everyone. I don’t do this because I want things in return. I expect people would want to return the love and support as a natural process, but understand when that is not always possible at certain points and always feel what goes around comes around somehow. I do get hurt when people take advantage of my good nature in such a way it sends a clear message. I recognise now it is simply human nature to get the best deal and often the path of least resistance is to take what comes easily, even if it is at the expense of another person. The problem is, I love to share, give, collaborate and dream of beautiful supportive communities, friend groups and families. I know what we can achieve as a human family if we work together from a heart space. Lots of people talk of a wonderful new world filled with vibrant communities where we grow food, share responsibilities, come together for a common purpose and evolve together, but often when it comes to it, it’s way too much effort. I am not sure how we are able to build the beautiful new world if we can not work together with the people closest to us? I live in hope that we will one day figure it out.
I have always struggled to understand the rules of engagement in the world and particularly with people and my relationships/friendships. For many years my standards were so low I was in very abusive (at times violent) relationships and for 18 years until recently I was married to someone with narcissistic tendencies. I am still committed to the new Co parenting and friendship we have, but I sadly still find myself giving unconditionally for the needs of him before myself. Its like a programme I need to break or a wiring that needs re routing. I am getting there, but it is a struggle at times. I recognise it now and instead of making me angry, it makes me sad for myself. This is a step closer to self love I believe and a short distance to where I need to be.
Once I decide enough is enough, I can be very ruthless in my decisions with some people. Sadly, this point of no return can sometimes take a long time because I am often hanging on, hoping the other person, or people will realise I have my limit. It turns out that is not exactly true with some people or at least the limit is like the abyss and its anyones guess when I will reach it!
On this much needed trip away with my Dad to Wales and back to myself and nature, it occurred to me that the reason I keep finding myself in the same situations with people in my life, is because I am failing to see people and experiences they bring as lessons. It hit me that the Universe is getting a little tired of me not learning, so it sent me the lesson in multiples all at the same time, just in case.
Meeting a wonderful group of people was such divine timing for my daughters and I because it coincided with coming out of lockdowns, moving house, home educating the girls and reintroducing myself to a new social world. I have no regrets and have had a beautiful year filled with love, laughter and beautiful memory making, but I gave a lot of myself to make it happen and forgot about me in the process. When it came to me needing and asking for bit of support, there was none. This literally broke my heart! It however, brought me very quickly to the point of no return and an unmistakable clarity on the lesson I desperately needed to learn. I am grateful for it all!
Again, I am aware that my disappointment is as a result of my expectations and not a reflection on the actions of others. In fact, I am confident it was necessary for me to see clearly the reality of the expectations I have of others and how sometimes they are not fair. as We don’t all process the world the same way. What is important is how I feel and react. I know we are all just trying to make our way through life to get to where we need to be and we all have our own lessons to learn. I feel nothing but love for everyone on their journey for the lessons they bring with them and the path they are on themselves. Its not easy to navigate this brief experience we call life.
I previously spent almost 10 years a social recluse while I built a business and raised my young children. This was the return to the friendship world to meet what I thought was my forever more friend group. I am now happily retreating to consolidate the lessons I have learned over the past year or so. I have instantly returned to a more familiar balanced frequency and a place of calm introspection, with a sense of relief. The Universe is yet again guiding me back to my inward looking path to raise my vibration to my next phase and I am looking forward to the next steps.
An important challenge now it to be wise enough to know when its time to put my spiritual and wellness practices first, even if someone I feel love for needs me to be there for them. It’s time to prioritise myself and my path and say NO when YES takes me away from inner balance. This is the only way I can be in service to others and my truth.
Through this beautiful learning curve I will be writing, filming YouTube videos and continue on my personal healing journey.
Love and Light. 🌟
Gilli. 🌸