Can’t see the wood for the trees!?
I heard this saying many years ago and have always understood what it meant, but for some reason when I am in a rut, I fail to realise I am either not getting anything done because I have too much to do or, because I have so much to do I don’t know where to start and am overwhelmed. At this point in my life, it is the latter. I have had some time off from work following the passing of my mother and although this has been really good for me, I find myself a little stuck in a rut. I am so grateful to have the time to process my loss, but I needed it for general life reasons too. The bereavement was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I have definitely come to a point of burn out in almost all areas of my life, so I am taking advantage of any time off I can get. I am fiercely efficient when I am busy and on a mission, but I tend to be in survival mode when doing it. It’s not good to have fight or flight levels of adrenalin powering you all the time. Invariably, when this is how we function for years, we eventually eventually crash. My mind has found itself in a state of mental collision resulting in a Gilli Pile up. Because of constantly being in survival mode, my motivation comes in waves and it is either Head Down Arse Up levels of drive or Comfy Bra, Greasy Hair and I don’t like Anyone I see on the School Run levels of nothingness.
I am lost right now and I cant see the wood for the trees. I feel so grateful that I am lucky enough to be able to take time to myself and take a breath for the first time in forever, but now I am faced with the reality that now all of the things I have moaned about not being able to do because my time is taken up with everyone else’s needs, no longer apply. I have done an amazing job of taking care of everyone else so taking care of myself is clearly the next step. It’s time to face the fact that while all of those previous statements of me prioritising everyone else befor myself may have been correct at the time, they are no longer valid excuses for me to not get my act together. All of a sudden I can see the woods, the trees, the light, all of the paths through them and even the fallen leaves. I have realised that people like me (givers and nurturers) often use their need to nurture as a convenient excuse to not put themselves first, or at least equal to everyone else they look after. It’s so much easier to care for others the way you would like to be cared for and less easy to care for yourself in that way when you dont know how. It actually takes some rewiring of the brain to feel comfortable with not seeing self love as selfish.
I am definitely starting to love myself more and setting boundaries on what I require from others and myself, but this is new to me and quite a confusing process. It comes with the conflicting thought about what is the difference between me taking care of myself and me just putting my needs above everyone else and where does one become too much or too little? I am forever telling myself that my children should come first always even if this mean I have to sacrifice everything important to me. Then I become frustrated and act like a victim. This of course is my mean ego doing a number on me. Logically I know every thing I do to take care of myself benefits me, my children and loved ones, but the part of me that needs constant reassurance and validation from others struggles to know I deserve love from them and myself. There is so much more I could say on self love, but I will leave it here for now.
I have a really big list of things I have wanted to do for so long and all I need to do is figure out what I want to do the most, how I am going to go about it and get started. All of these things are part of a bigger plan to be live my best life possible and provide that to my children too. I just have way too much going on and I just cant seem to get started. The ironic thing about this statement is one of my earliest blogs on here was about not procrastinating. That was almost three years ago and I have still only written on here a few times since then. On the plus side I was averaging about one a year since 2016 and my last one was posted in July 2018, so my productivity is improving considerably. Lol By this time I next year I may very well be flying and be up to three a year?
All joking aside, it is quite a revelation for me to actually start the messy business of figuring out exactly what my obstructions are. Firstly and most importantly I realise my only obstruction to me achieving my goals is my own lack of confidence, self belief and structure. I am afraid of failing! The fear of failure is madness because the fear of it is making me fail, its crazy!! In my head I have a hundreds of self help mantras, personal improvement ideas and motivational quotes of very enlightened people and I know and understand all of it. I even find myself advising others on the matter in a sort of Do As I Say, Not As I Do type of way. The reality of the situation when viewed honestly is quite sad, but a real indication that I am ready for the next step of my natural personal evolution. If only I could just allow myself the basic things I deserve such as my own love and respect, I could achieve my own greatness which is I know is beautiful and amazing!
So, the new plan is to simplify. Write down what makes me happy and how I would like my life to be based on a series of days not imaginary ideas of who I could be, but who I am today and tomorow. Treat myself to specifically me things and know I deserve it. Give myself the premission to not get everything done as long as I am happy with my choices and content with the momen. Write down all of the things I need to do. Remove all of the things I don’t really need to do, structure my list to not re do things twice and pace myself. Just take the first step and then the next step!
Doing things slowly is better than not doing them at all. 🙂
Great content! Keep up the good work!