Now, I am writing this knowing a dirty secret which is, I have never fully survived a family gathering as a Vegan. I worked out last night a close approximation of my vegan journey and it started in 2013 with a Juice fast, so it has been over 5 years. I watched a documentary by Joe Cross called, Fat Sick and Nearly Dead and decided with great enthusiasm to give it a go for 30 days. Before this, I had never enjoyed fruit or vegetables unless wrapped in meat, pastry or something equally unhealthy. I would like to say I did the juice fast with health in mind, but if I am honest, it was really for weight loss and the health benefits were just a happy bi-product.
I have always been an animal lover and never felt good eating animals or causing harm to them, but like so many people I was firmly held in the belief that I needed to eat meat to live. Despite this, I did try to be vegetarian twice. Unfortunately, when I tried to be vegetarian, I honestly believed cows needed milking or they would pop. Yes, I actually believed they would literally explode if they did not have our help to relieve them of their milk. My explanation to myself for this gruesome phenomenon was a blip in the cows evolution process! OMG, can you believe that? Who on earth told me that? Whoever it was, I wonder if they still believe it? I always found it odd that we did not hear stories of popping cows 🤦🏻♀️. In my mind, I thought the odds on all cows being well looked after and having risks of popping well managed was slim. For some reason, I never took that bizarre reasoning any further despite looking out continuously for popping cow stories in the news. Anyway, I digress. The point about the cows and them needing our help allowed me avoid the reality of how cruel the dairy industry is. When I became vegetarian, I effectively tripled my cheese consumption to compensate for the lack of meat and this led to ill health.
After gaining a lot of weight, spots and being permanently tired and congested, I confirmed a vegetarian diet was unhealthy and I was not able to do it. I then returned to an animal-based diet. Fast forward almost over two decades and several stints of The Aitkins Diet and I find myself very poorly. So for the last five years of learning how to be vegan (healthy and unhealthy) I still have not fully managed to get through a family gathering unscathed!
OK, so what is the problem with families? Firstly there are fewer boundaries between families. They are more likely to say what they think without the usual conversational restrictions we may find in a less familiar social situation. Of course, the cognitive lubricating effects of alcohol can also play a part, but this is not confined to family gatherings as we know.
Secondly, families tend to always see you as the same person as they have believed you to have been for many years (often if you have spend years apart, very incorrectly). An example of this would be families coming together once a year and they make statements such as ‘well that’s very like you’ or ‘you have always been a little bit like that’. This is their idea of you and is often based on very little information and rarely gives you the respect you deserve due to familiarity. Families can effectively stifle the personal growth within each other, which I suppose is a contributing factor to why there are so many fractured ones. Nevertheless, this is my understanding of why we act the way we do when we are with each other.
Thirdly, there will always be the people who feel in some way challenged by your life decisions. This comes across as though it is a defence mechanism as though you being vegan is a direct questioning of their life decisions. This can be attributed to them consciously or unconsciously feeling bad about themselves, or their personal choices. This is the worse one because you are dealing with deep-rooted insecurities, and things can get a bit messy in these realms. It’s difficult to not respond accordingly, but I try not to as I love my family and I would never want to say anything that would hurt them.
I have experienced (nonbelieving) meat eaters looking at my plate to question if I am keeping to the rules (that they don’t even really understand) saying things such as ‘Well what about that, that has animals in it’ (often incorrectly) and checking out my shoes and bag to see if they could find leather on me. Some openly mock me as if I am a child (at 46 years of age) and on occasion, I get referred to as the ‘Sometimes Vegan’. Again, I just have to shake that shit off. I suspect the ‘Sometimes Vegan’ label is because through my Vegan journey I have doubted myself and reintroduced things such as eggs and one-time prawns but later realised this was not the way. This is all part of knowing why you are vegan and taking the time to get it right. Often people won’t take the time to understand because they are too busy finding reasons why veganism is a silly idea, or how you will die from protein deficiency or some other ill informed fear.
The hardest one for me to deal with is the questioning about what you are doing to your children by being vegan. The insistence that you should not MAKE them refrain from eating meat as it will harm them. This can plant serious seeds of doubt in your mind. These sorts of statements and interference enter the realms of going too far. They somehow point to a possibility that you are in some way a bad parent. There is nothing quite as effective at engaging my ego than this one.
Some people feel it is ok to actively encourage your children to eat things they know go against your personal beliefs as though they know better. This one is so very tough when you are still not 100% sure about it all. There are loved ones who are genuinely afraid you are making a bad and dangerous choice. They are questioning you out of concern and love, so ask them to trust you and be grateful for their love.
For many years I would try my best to be as discrete with my decision to be Vegan and as accommodating with my eating as possible. I did not want to inconvenience anyone. in order not to offend, I would compromise myself to avoid drawing too much attention to my dietary requirements. I was afraid to confidently announce my belief that we should always do our best to avoid causing pain and suffering to any living creature. A family member asked me one day why I did not eat meat. I answered because animals are sentient beings. My answer was met with laughter. Quickly after this moment there was as proud announcement from another part of the room, Gilli, I eat Veal! All I could muster to say was, Oh……well done for being proud of that!!
I could go on forever on this subject, but it would mostly be more of the same. I have recently had a personal growth spurt and have found my confidence in the vegan me. I am now a proud vegan with no reservations about putting a person in their place for being rude about my life choices and ethical values. I do not push my beliefs on the matter on anyone, but am always happy to answer any genuine questions and help any way I can. It would not be acceptable to ask a person of faith why they chose to respect the values of their belief system and refrain from certain things. It it is not polite to question a vegan unless it is out of genuine curiosity and in the search for knowledge and understanding!! In some ways, for some reason, people think if you are a vegan for ethical reasons you are weak, but for health reasons, you are informed.
If you are a new vegan or just need reassurance don’t engage. Let that pass, its the rotten meat in the body clouding their judgement a little bit like being drunk.
Be kind to yourself as you go. Take time to know in your heart what it is you believe and why it’s you are doing it. It’s ok to experiment to be sure. You are not doing it to get a badge! Unless you are of course and this will be tough to maintain.
The world is changing and human consciousness is awakening. It takes time to adjust to a new world, a new set of food rules and a new way of thinking. Veganism impacts your life more than just with food, it is inner growth, the flowering of your connection to the source of who you are and what you are part of, and freedom. The freedom to chooses what you feel is right for you, despite the enormous contrary to that belief.
Some of us are blessed to have the luxury of the choice to not consume animals and with that comes responsibility. The people who question and challenge you are where you may once have been, and could be where you now are. Don’t judge, TSB not your job no matter how much it hurts to see the reality of animal suffering. Be gentle with them, but don’t allow them to take advantage of your compassionate heart. You can be clear without being confrontational. Just remember you love them, and its ok for the time to pass to allow it to become accepted. If that means stepping away while you get it straight well that’s ok too, just don’t do it so long that it becomes hiding away. Love to you all. X
You tell them . Truth will out. 🌍